For those who want a change from the Gospel

Trinity 15 – Genesis 50:15-21 (Related)

Today’s readings deal with a very difficult topic for Christians, that of forgiveness. In a break from my usual methodology I want, rather than try to expound the OT text, to share some of the best stuff I’ve ever heard on this subject. But let’s begin with some background. Joseph had been turned on by his brothers  (although to be fair he did handle his dreams in a bit of an obnoxious way – sometimes we need forgiving too), he’d been narrowly rescued from murder and instead thrown in a pit, sold as a slave, and did time in an Egyptian jail. So we might consider him a bit justified in bearing a grudge. But then in the Gospel Jesus tells us that unless we learn to forgive we won’t be forgiven. We all know we ought to forgive those who have harmed us, often severely. But how do we actually do it? There are lots of clever sayings: unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting your enemies to drop dead, that sort of thing. But it remains an issue for many.

Several years ago I went to a safeguarding training day and was introduced to an academic paper[1] which made some of the best sense I have ever heard on the subject. Writing in the context of sexual abuse, Steven Tracy suggests that the Church has often been too quick to tell victims that they must simply forgive those who have so violated them, often leaving them feeling guilt-ridden as well as abused. In fact, he suggests, the biblical material is far more complex than many Christians take the time to consider. In particular, he distinguished between three kinds of forgiveness, judicial, psychological and relational. I have found his insights invaluable in many different circumstances in which people have been harmed by others.

Judicial forgiveness is about the abuser’s relationship with God. On this, Tracy suggests, the biblical material is very clear. God forgives those who repent, so however much someone may have hurt us, if they turn to him in genuine penitence, they will be forgiven. But if not, they won’t. Scripture is very clear on this.

Psychological forgiveness, though, is more complex. It is about their relationship with us now in the sense of whether we forgive them as God would. This is often the most difficult part, because everything within us cries out for vengeance. There’s a bit of us which wants to inflict on them the same kind of pain they have made us suffer, so that they know what we’re going through.

Finally Relational forgiveness is about our relationship with our abusers on into the future. In an ideal world there might be complete reconciliation and restoration of relationship, but Tracy notes that this is often difficult to the point of impossibility. It certainly won’t be helped if there is no evidence that they have been judicially forgiven by God, or have not even sought it.

The point, says Tracy, is that of these three types, we as victims only really have any control over one, psychological forgiveness. Whether or not our victims repent before God is something we simply can’t control: it’s between them and their maker, and nothing we can do will affect that. Only their genuine repentance will allow their forgiveness. And relational forgiveness might be impossible because trust simply can’t be rebuilt. Looking at the evidence from, for example, domestic violence, shows a very high statistical likelihood of them doing it again, so the wisest thing might be simply to get out of their way, for our own protection.

But the one thing we can control is our own forgiveness of our abusers, and once you separate that from the need to kiss, make up, and carry on as before, it becomes relatively easy. It is simply the decision of the will to hand back to God the right to punish them, rather than wanting to do it ourselves. What we feel about them isn’t something which Jesus can command us to do, but he can show us that to set ourselves free from them by handing them back to him is not just the right way to behave, but it is also the healthiest.

In a world where we are constantly hearing on the news that people ‘will never forgive’ someone who has murdered their daughter or whatever, I find it tragic to hear such self-cursing. Words have real power, and I fear for people who are unable to forgive because a righteous God is not on their radar, and because they think they’ll have to start feeling warm feelings towards those who have acted so cruelly against them. As Christians we have resources which can help us to rise above the harm others cause us, and to put them back where they rightly belong, into the hands of a righteous but merciful God.

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[1] Tracy, S. (1999). “Sexual Abuse and Forgiveness.” Journal of Psychology and Theology, 27:3, 219–229. https://doi.org/10.1177/009164719902700302